Wednesday, January 30, 2008

why the writers are on strike

Dear Lord, the Gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... Thy will be done.
Today I will try to remind you of some of the best lines ever written for television - and I'll start with Homer Simpson:

The problem in the world today is communication - too much communication!

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day.

I am so smart! S-M-R-T!

I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?

I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos.

- Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
- Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

God bless those pagans.

- Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
- Yes.

And that's when Scully’s lie detector blows up. And I nearly fell over the first time I saw that!

Finally, a way to combine my love of helping people with my love of hurting people.
(Homer's take on on starting a security company.)

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right - we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

- I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
- Are you crazy? I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.
- C'mon, Marge, we're a team. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU.

- Look everyone! Now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
- Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
- Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets!

- Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
- Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

- Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?
- Don't you think you're ‘under-reacting’?
- This conversation is over.
- This conversation is ‘under’.

- Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
- Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.

Bart - I smell a museum.
Homer - Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.'

Homer - Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart - No thanks dad.
Homer - When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa Simpson - I'll play catch with you!
Homer - Go home.

I’m a public servant so I’m not permitted to use my own judgement in any way.

- Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown.
- That's "Homer J. Simpson", Chief. You're reading it upside down.
- Cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them gyros.
- Uh, Chief? You're talking into your wallet.

I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn!

Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the ... uh ... what cures cancer?

Marge - [on radio] Husband on murderous rampage. Send help. Over.
Wiggum - Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit.

When i grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.

Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers.

I stand by my racial slur.

Attempted murder, now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

Lawyer - Well, what about that tatoo on your chest? Doesn't it say Die, Bart, Die?
Sideshow Bob - No, that's German for 'The Bart, The."
Parole Judge - No one who speaks German can be an evil man! Parole Granted!

Dozens of people are gunned down each day, but until now, none of them was important. At three pm Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at the town hall. He was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital where his condition was upgraded to ‘alive’.

- Quick Smithers. Bring the mind eraser device!
- You mean the revolver, sir?
- Precisely.

I'll keep it short and sweet - family, Religion, friendship, these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

- Hello, my name is Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.
- Mr Gumble, this is a girl scouts meeting.
- Is it? Or is it you girls can't admit that you have a problem?

Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self help tapes as 'Smoke yourself thin' and 'Get some confidence, Stupid!'

Hi. I'm Troy McClure, you might remember me from such public service videos as 'Designated Drivers, the Lifesaving Nerds' and 'Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness.'

Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

- My new movie is me, standing in front of a brick wall for 90 minutes. It cost 80 million dollars to make.
- How do you sleep at night?
- On top of a pile of money, with many beautiful women

Any half-assed musician can play a cover tune just like any blogger can get a laugh using Simpson's lines. The real talent lies in original thought – certainly in entertainment - everybody else should be working for the writers. Who is responsible for making a Simpson’s DVD worth buying? Cartoonists and voice people are talented but - if I’m not mistaken - they just do what they’re told. Do they not?

Creativity is also pretty useful in scientific research and on the soccer field but is far less important a golf course, or in during brain surgery. Originality is great in an entrepreneur but is usually not an admired quality in a business accountant - except maybe in a tax attorney. But in television - I believe good writers should be rich!

And now the writers are on strike – and good for them. Television has been awesome in recent years and it’s not just because Kiefer Sutherland is a good actor or Evangeline Lily is hot. Why did ‘Heroes’ work without a single well-know actor? Because it had a sick plotline.

But television studios love the strike – no overhead expenses and plenty of DVD’s to sell us so we can all ‘catch up’. If I was to stop buying series on DVD and switch to computer games or books or even ‘outdoor activities’ - I bet it would be a very short strike.

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